Princess and The Rock

Parenting | Homeschooling | Food | Fashion

Wednesday, 27 May 2015

The Distance between my Spouse and I is the Not-So-Smart Phone

I think I can safely say that most people have a pretty positive impression of the relationship between my husband and I. In fact I've even heard someone said, "Oh, is it? Can't be. They NEVER quarrel!" It's true that my husband and I do not have many quarrels, arguments yes, but angry quarrels not so. However when we fight, it is usually about something we believe or feel strongly about. And very recently we had an emotionally-charged "discussion" throughout the night.

Without mentioning the nitty-gritty, what we fought about was about my needs not being met. No, it's not about my husband not putting in effort in our relationship, it was more about how I perceived the situation to be due to my own love language. In Gary Chapman's "The 5 Languages of Love", he stipulated that there are five primary languages of love or five ways to express love emotionally. They are :

  1. Words of Affirmation
  2. Acts of Service
  3. Receiving Gifts
  4. Quality Time
  5. Physical Touch

Hence if your frequent "complaint" to your spouse is "We always don't have enough time together," you can say that your primary love language is Quality Time. And that is exactly my primary love language. By quality time, it's undivided attention. So watching a movie for two hours together does not make me feel as happy as a solid twenty-minutes heart-to-heart talk or simply hanging out together with a coffee and talking about nothing in particular.

So, how does the not-so-smart phone come into the picture?

I remembered the times while we were dating and even in the earlier years of our marriage, we enjoyed a lot of doing-nothing-much kind of days. It could be due to less responsibilities and absence of kids then, but those days were positively memorable. Slowly we started to become more high-tech and started using smart phones with apps and data plans included. Almost every kind of information you need can be found at your fingertips literally and communication with people becomes so much more convenient and free with Whatsapp.

Wanting to get back to some writing after being away from work motivated me to start this blog and I started being on my computer more too. Since my blog is public, I meant it to be read by a wide audience so I started a few social media accounts like my Facebook fanpage, Instagram account and Twitter account. Uploading blog posts, posting photos, checking likes and replying to comments took up quite a chunk of my awake time. When I wasn't doing these things, I used my phone to assess the internet to search for places to eat when I was in my husband's car. It came to a point where he told me I hardly talk to him in the car anymore. I didn't want to admit to be one of those people whom the Facebook shares are talking about. You know, the kind who have become unsociable by spending too much time on social media. But I think it must have been true. One day though I "woke up" and decided to do less on my laptop and my phone so I could be more present with my children. So I updated my blog less and shared less on social media.

Recently though I felt the table has been turned. I thought my husband was staring at his phone at every opportunity he got, whether it was during meals, on the bed or when we are out. I even called him "Whatsapp King"! It came to a point where I felt he would rather be checking on his Whatsapp chats and replying to them than spending face-to-face time with me. I told him about my dissatisfaction and he turned to me and said, "Yah, I've become like you (in the past)."

So yes, the distance between my husband and I is the not-so-smart phone. It took away the quality time I needed to feel loved and it took away my husband's hands! They are not there to hold me as much as before because the phone needed two hands for support. It took away my husband's handsome face because I'm busy filling up and beautifying my Instagram feeds.

So this evening, we want to go back to how we used to spend our time together. My husband's phone would be in the car while mine would remain in my handbag for emergency calls. Sorry peeps, you won't be seeing the delicious food we'll be having for dinner or my babybump #ootd tonight, at least not until we get home!

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